Five OS X tools for your analogue life

I often wish I had certain utilities in my daily life which I have in my computer operating system. Tragic, isn’t it. But go with me for a minute, if you want your neighbours to look like Scarlett Johansson and your food to fly into view like some quartz composed magic that is.

1. The find function – A classic, every time you lose your keys, your wallet or the chuffing TV remote, you wish there was a find function in your living room. I can see it now. This is your Wallet, These are your unwashed dinner plates, this is your porn stash. That would be pretty damn awesome. Maybe as GPS chips become smaller and more accurate, we can start planting them in everything we ship out of China, and plot their locations via some sort of mobile phone interface. You’re fucked when you lose your phone like.

2. Disk Utility – Typically every Friday morning during University term time, and quite often Sundays too, I wish I could forgo the sense of confusion and then anger caused by my inability to think properly. I’d like to either roll back to my pre-alcohol stained brain, or just run defrag and get everything unjumbled again. Repair permissions could do the same job, but everyone knows that doesn’t really work.

3. Single User Mode – You work with idiots, you live with idiots, you commute with idiots. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just snap your fingers and have them all disappear? Not permanently of course, just until you have things sorted out, and you’ve covered your co-workers cubicle in post-it notes and/or newspaper.

4. Show input source name – Picture the scene. Your in an early meeting, you got wankered last night, you feel sweaty and you have bad breath, and the co-worker across the table is uttering words you don’t even recognise. You’re in a pickle, at least if you knew the language they were speaking you could just reply with a random selection of “yes”, “no” and “dunno”. Fuck it, go the whole hog and get VoiceOver to do it for you and go grab some sleep by using your jacket as a pillow on the toilet seat in the disabled loo (more floor space, lesser used: It’s an obvious choice).

5. Uno – Only really applicable to the budding Adolfs amongst you, Uno in your analogue life would allow you to make everyone look the same. Blonde hair, check. Blue Eyes, check, no nasty type lozenges. Check. You’d have to get everyone to write their names on their heads so you could tell who was who, but this has to be preferable to genocide – and maybe you could even have a ‘make everyone look like Scarlett Johansson option.